Jacob is improving every single day. When we first came home, he could barely stand on his own and walked only when I held both of his hands. Then he could walk holding one hand. Then he could walk on his own. He has difficulty transitioning from one position to another but still he pushed himself up from laying down to sitting today. In an older post I went through the painstaking process of Jacob climbing up stairs. So many different muscles have to fire in order to do the simplest of movements. And as I said before, Jacob wills his little body to do so.
Matthew has always been a priority but I am concerned about his perception of the things in his world including himself. So we signed him up for karate lessons and swimming lessons and threw him a fabulous Beach Bounce birthday party. I want him to be filled up inside. We often tell him how proud we are of him for being helpful or sharing, for being a big boy staying dry all night, for being a good big brother. I tell him that he's a good singer, that he has great ideas, that he can jump so high and run so fast.
But I find myself begging inside for these small people to go to bed or acting like a crazy person because Matthew is spitting everywhere or Jacob is refusing to eat his dinner. I am always hoping that I will overcome my own exhaustion and anxiety so I can do better the next time. Maybe I'm overwhelmed because I am just a regular person. I gossip. I speed. I watch reality TV. I get angry and upset. And if not for all of the support I have, I wouldn't even have the time to reflect.
Maybe I'm overwhelmed because our time in Boston has finally caught up with me - a delayed reaction now that everything is all better. Now that there is nothing to be afraid of or to worry about really.
I just can't put my finger on it.
I love you so much, Bethany! You are a mom with an extra load and you are doing an AWESOME job! Forgive yourself when you fail. I wanted to kill Mary at least once a day until she got into gymnastics. She had more energy and determination than 5 kids. We both lived and she is now a wonderful, loving, giving young woman.
ReplyDeleteGrandma Christe
HI Beth and Matt
ReplyDeletedon't think you are unusal in what you are thinking and doing. Your load is a little heavier than most but "this too shall pass"
I guess I am quoting Matts nana again when I say some of the things I do because they got me through stuff like raising 5 kids with out family to help. Take time for you and Matt and don't be afraid to ask for outside help! love auntie ps I loved the "union suit"